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Difficulties to consult

Over the years, we have observed that it is difficult for men to consult. Research confirms this. Often, men will hit the ultimate limit before deciding to ask for help. Why is this so difficult? Below is a list of reasons as stated by men who had the courage to call Pro-gam:

• It is difficult to recognize that violence can be a problem
• They feel that it is only the other one who has the problem
• They think that the other “also” has a problem
• They fear being judged and condemned by others
• They feel too ashamed and guilty to admit that they could hurt someone
• They did not think that they could do so much harm to the other
• They do not identify themselves as “batterers”
• They thought it (abusive behavior) was not that serious and that it would not happen again
• They thought they had a “good reason” for behaving violently
• They had the impression that the other “deserved” to be mistreated
• They thought there was no other way to manage the situation or their emotions
• They think that men have more rights than women
• They think that therapy is for “crazy” or “sick” individuals
• They think they do not need others to solve their problems
• They think that what happens at home is no one’s business
• They are afraid to be in a group with “violent and dangerous” men
• Etc ........

Consultation under constraint

The more we wait to find solutions to our problems, the more we risk that these problems will become worse. The same is true about violence. We often observe that the frequency and severity of violence increases as time passes and when serious steps to deal with it are not taken.

One’s capacity to understand, tolerate and wipe away physical and psychological assaults also has its limits. Men often consult only after their partner has decided to leave or end the relationship.

Often women call upon the authority of the police or the judicial system as an act of self-respect in order to ensure their security and possibly that of their children. This often occurs after reaching their limit as a result of failed attempts to end the violence.

Thus, approximately 70% of the men who seek help, do so under legal constraint. In other words, they are obligated by the court to seek therapy services. Many men perceive therapy as a form of punishment when they embark on a process of change under these less-than-ideal conditions. Therapy has a greater chance of bearing results when the client freely decides on his own to pursue the process of change.

The team at Pro-gam is very aware of these constraints and this reality is greatly considered when working with this clientele.