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»	The impact of violence

The consequences of violence

No matter what form of violence one uses (physical, psychological, economic, manipulation, control, etc…), it always leads to negative consequences for the victim.

• The concern of witnessing the situation reproduce itself, inevitably incites one to protect oneself and to create a distance with the violent individual. This distance, if not physical, is no less emotional.
• The anger expressed by the one exposed to violence, is often a normal response which expresses a refusal to be unfairly treated as well as a demand to be respected.
• Violence undermines one’s self esteem and self confidence and could even bring the victim to believe that he/she deserves to be abused.

Since violence gives rise to feelings of pain, fear, guilt, shame, or revolt, it always undermines relationships between people. This is especially true when it involves relationships with loved ones.

Violence and intimacy

The issue of behaving violently towards the person one cares about the most could seem contradictory. It rests upon complex mechanisms:

• The fear of losing someone important could, for example, generate violent behavior. This defense mechanism manifests itself in order to respond to fears and to end threats, even if these apprehensions are not based in reality.
• The context of intimacy, in itself, could constitute a threat for each member of the couple, especially when the close proximity with the other brings one to reveal aspects of themselves that may not reflect a good image. In a reactionary defensiveness, one can refuse to emotionally approach the other and as the other makes a move to get closer, this is perceived as a threat which is responded to with violence.
• Feelings of jealousy and an unhealthy possessiveness could be generated by a lack of confidence in one’s self, which could bring him to doubt his partner’s love for him. This inner insecurity and its consequences end up victimizing the other’s freedom and paradoxically distance her/him from the jealous individual.
• Violence can also arise from the impression one may have that the other is not taking care of him as he/she is supposed to.
• Some men can take on a dominating role in relation to their partner as a result of cultural or religious conviction. This occurs as a result of a reproduction of a dysfunctional paternal model or due to one’s avoidance of finding himself in an inverse position of submission and vulnerability.

Whatever the goal, the use of violence and control only ends up distancing the other as well as nourishing in them distrust and suspicion which ultimately destroys the relationship. The bottom line is that one ends up obtaining the opposite of what was initially sought when using violence.